It has been on my heart for some time now that there were some reports in various parts of the western world of Muslim fathers killing their daughters because of a refusal to wear a hijab to school. One would hope that these are sporadic acts by men who have come somewhat unglued. What is clear is that there is a clash of cultures resulting from immigrant parents (or, at least, very traditional Muslim parents) raising children in a western culture. I remember when I was in high school, the big thing with teen-age girls was the ability to wear make-up. Some of the parents in that area at that time didn’t think teen-age girls should be wearing make-up to school; some didn’t care. There were a number of girls who kept compacts in their lockers or purses, so that they could put on make-up at school, after their parents dropped them off, and then wash their faces before going home at the end of the school day. I personally didn’t care much, one way or the other; to be honest, most of the girls at my high school weren’t very good at applying make-up anyway; some of them actually looked better at the beginning and end of each day when they weren’t wearing make-up. Of course, it really had a lot less to do with looking good as it did fitting in. The girls who weren’t allowed to wear make-up felt out of place because “everyone else” was wearing make-up.
The point is, a Muslim girl in a predominantly “western” high school can feel very much out of place wearing a hijab, even if she really wants to wear it. Take a girl who wants to fit in, and have her parents tell her that she has to wear a hijab, mix in a little of the standard teen-age rebelliousness, stir well, and see what kind of problems float to the surface. Oftentimes Muslim parents worry that their teen-ager is becoming “westernized” and isn’t growing up to accept the values that have been important to the family for generations. I don’t really expect such parents to take advice from me, but I would like to suggest that it might be a phase. Many teen-agers go through a period where they feel mature enough to make up their own minds, but when they become adults, then they accept the values of their ancestors anyway—often without even realizing that they are doing it; these are the strongest proponents of those values, because they had the opportunity to decide for themselves what they believe.
From what I, as a Christian, understand about that culture (I started to say Muslim culture, but, to be honest, Islam is a religion, not a culture, and many Muslims don’t believe that a young woman has to wear a hijab, anyway), the hijab is a form of protection. Now, it would be easy for me to ridicule the idea that a scarf provides protection, but I want to be respectful, and I am aware that many Christians wear St. Christopher’s medals when they travel for much the same reason. I would have to contend that a hijab protects a young woman just as much as a St. Christopher’s medal protects a traveler. I think most fathers of teen-aged girls wish that they could be with their daughter all day long. Part of that is because fathers have an understanding of teen-aged boys, having been teen-agers once, ourselves. Of course, that isn’t possible. Some Christian fathers get their daughters to wear promise rings (some Christian daughters choose to wear those rings, too, but I have to believe that not every girl that wears one is sincere about it). If nothing else, promise rings and hijabs make fathers feel better about their daughters being out in the world.
I started out talking about “honor killings.” I have to put that in quotes because I fail to see any honor in the practice. I think it is abhorrent that parents would murder their teen-age child for being rebellious (“my teenaged daughter refuses to protect herself, so I will kill her rather than risk her bringing dishonor upon me.” Sorry, that’s just selfish). Here’s hoping that it never happens again. On the other hand, though, I would like to appeal to the daughters whose parents want them to wear a hijab, and do not, themselves, want to: I may not completely understand your dilemma, but I think that I probably understand about as well as anybody could who hasn’t actually been through it. May I suggest one of the things that Christians and Muslims both believe is that one should honor one’s parents. As long as you live under your parents’ roof, you should live under your parents’ rules. If your parents want you to wear a hijab to school, then wear a hijab to school. When you are older, and you are paying your own rent, then you can make your own decisions. I would suggest that, out of respect, when you go to visit your parents you should put on a hijab. If they come to visit you, the respectful thing to do would be to wear a hijab, but, in your own house or apartment, that is largely up to you. You protest that your high school friends won’t understand. I disagree. Anyone you know that doesn’t understand isn’t a good friend. Your true friends will understand, I promise.
One other thing: I know that some schools have tried to ban hijabs. There are some circumstances where wearing a headscarf is not appropriate, due to safety concerns. Some school administrators may feel that they are doing the girl a favor by not allowing her to do something that she didn’t want to do anyway, but I would have to ask the question, what about the girls that really do want to wear a hijab? Shouldn’t they have the right of freedom of expression to wear one if they want to? And as far as the girls that only wear it at their parents’ insistence, what right does the school have to undermine the parents’ authority over the child (other than for the child’s own safety—and no, wearing a hijab to school does not constitute a safety issue)? I can understand that a dress code can be a good thing, but there should be some allowance made for individual cultures. Where do we draw the line? Considering how strongly some people feel about the hijab, that’s probably not a good place to draw the line. I don’t know of any other clothing item that provokes such strong feelings, though. I realize that some schools ban promise rings, and some parents may be less than understanding if the school allows hijabs, but doesn’t allow promise rings. I’m not convinced that it’s a fair comparison, though: The hijab goes back hundreds of years and is an integral part of that culture, the promise ring is a recent development and really isn’t part of our culture at all. That might be something that should be decided on a case-by-case basis.
The point is, a Muslim girl in a predominantly “western” high school can feel very much out of place wearing a hijab, even if she really wants to wear it. Take a girl who wants to fit in, and have her parents tell her that she has to wear a hijab, mix in a little of the standard teen-age rebelliousness, stir well, and see what kind of problems float to the surface. Oftentimes Muslim parents worry that their teen-ager is becoming “westernized” and isn’t growing up to accept the values that have been important to the family for generations. I don’t really expect such parents to take advice from me, but I would like to suggest that it might be a phase. Many teen-agers go through a period where they feel mature enough to make up their own minds, but when they become adults, then they accept the values of their ancestors anyway—often without even realizing that they are doing it; these are the strongest proponents of those values, because they had the opportunity to decide for themselves what they believe.
From what I, as a Christian, understand about that culture (I started to say Muslim culture, but, to be honest, Islam is a religion, not a culture, and many Muslims don’t believe that a young woman has to wear a hijab, anyway), the hijab is a form of protection. Now, it would be easy for me to ridicule the idea that a scarf provides protection, but I want to be respectful, and I am aware that many Christians wear St. Christopher’s medals when they travel for much the same reason. I would have to contend that a hijab protects a young woman just as much as a St. Christopher’s medal protects a traveler. I think most fathers of teen-aged girls wish that they could be with their daughter all day long. Part of that is because fathers have an understanding of teen-aged boys, having been teen-agers once, ourselves. Of course, that isn’t possible. Some Christian fathers get their daughters to wear promise rings (some Christian daughters choose to wear those rings, too, but I have to believe that not every girl that wears one is sincere about it). If nothing else, promise rings and hijabs make fathers feel better about their daughters being out in the world.
I started out talking about “honor killings.” I have to put that in quotes because I fail to see any honor in the practice. I think it is abhorrent that parents would murder their teen-age child for being rebellious (“my teenaged daughter refuses to protect herself, so I will kill her rather than risk her bringing dishonor upon me.” Sorry, that’s just selfish). Here’s hoping that it never happens again. On the other hand, though, I would like to appeal to the daughters whose parents want them to wear a hijab, and do not, themselves, want to: I may not completely understand your dilemma, but I think that I probably understand about as well as anybody could who hasn’t actually been through it. May I suggest one of the things that Christians and Muslims both believe is that one should honor one’s parents. As long as you live under your parents’ roof, you should live under your parents’ rules. If your parents want you to wear a hijab to school, then wear a hijab to school. When you are older, and you are paying your own rent, then you can make your own decisions. I would suggest that, out of respect, when you go to visit your parents you should put on a hijab. If they come to visit you, the respectful thing to do would be to wear a hijab, but, in your own house or apartment, that is largely up to you. You protest that your high school friends won’t understand. I disagree. Anyone you know that doesn’t understand isn’t a good friend. Your true friends will understand, I promise.
One other thing: I know that some schools have tried to ban hijabs. There are some circumstances where wearing a headscarf is not appropriate, due to safety concerns. Some school administrators may feel that they are doing the girl a favor by not allowing her to do something that she didn’t want to do anyway, but I would have to ask the question, what about the girls that really do want to wear a hijab? Shouldn’t they have the right of freedom of expression to wear one if they want to? And as far as the girls that only wear it at their parents’ insistence, what right does the school have to undermine the parents’ authority over the child (other than for the child’s own safety—and no, wearing a hijab to school does not constitute a safety issue)? I can understand that a dress code can be a good thing, but there should be some allowance made for individual cultures. Where do we draw the line? Considering how strongly some people feel about the hijab, that’s probably not a good place to draw the line. I don’t know of any other clothing item that provokes such strong feelings, though. I realize that some schools ban promise rings, and some parents may be less than understanding if the school allows hijabs, but doesn’t allow promise rings. I’m not convinced that it’s a fair comparison, though: The hijab goes back hundreds of years and is an integral part of that culture, the promise ring is a recent development and really isn’t part of our culture at all. That might be something that should be decided on a case-by-case basis.
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