Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Marriage

The topic for this week is marriage.  The first point that I would like to cover is what we, in this country, call bigamy.  There are some, even in this country, who insist that there is nothing wrong, in God’s eyes, with a man having multiple wives.  They point to numerous examples in the Old Testament of men who were considered to be men of God who had more than one wife, and also point out that nowhere in the New Testament is this practice even criticized.  They are right that it was common practice in the Old Testament, and never specifically forbidden in the New Testament.  At the same time, historically, well before Jesus’ birth, the rabbinical council decreed that marriage should be between one man and one woman.  The fact that is that a lot of time passed between the Old Testament and the New; just because the events were not immortalized in Scripture, doesn’t mean that they didn’t affect what happened in the Gospels.  Think about it:  Nowhere in the Old Testament is there any mention of Pharisees, Sadducees, or Samaritans, and yet, in the Gospels they are written about as though they had been around for years; that only make sense when you understand that they had been around for years.  My point is that Jesus (and the Apostles) never felt the need to teach that bigamy was wrong, it was already commonly accepted as being wrong.
Jesus did talk about divorce.  He said that Moses made allowance for divorce, but that was only because of the hard-heartedness of the people, and that divorce was really not in keeping with God’s laws.  Jesus made it very clear that if two people get divorced, they should either be reconciled to each other, or live their lives singly.  Jesus actually used Adam and Eve as an example of what marriage should be.  Of course, Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage—he was never able to tell her how much better his mother’s cooking was, and she was never able to tell him about the other men she could have married.  They had another advantage, too:  They had no other people interfering with their marriage; they only had to deal with their own family.  If they had a fight, and Eve decided to leave Adam, where would she go?
I have been asked who performed the marriage ceremony for Adam and Eve.  I don’t think that a ceremony is a necessary part of becoming husband and wife.  In modern-day society, that’s the way it is generally done, but it doesn’t necessarily follow that it was always done that way, or that it should have been done that way.  Modern law requires a marriage certificate, issued by the state, and some form of ceremony, even if it is just a justice of the peace making sure that both parties are amenable to the marriage.  The Bible tells us to obey every ordinance of man, so, of course, we get married and perform marriages in a manner consistent with the law; but obviously Adam and Eve were not subject to that law (the legal term is ‘ex post facto’).  So who married Adam and Eve? Well, God pronounced them man and wife; I don’t think you’re going to find a higher authority or a more able minister than that.
One of the problems that we run into in modern society is that a lot of young people become, well, seduced into a romantic notion that love conquers all, and if they truly love each other (and, of course, they do, just ask them) then their love will overcome all obstacles, and they will grow old together and they will always be happy.  The truth of the matter is that marriage is a lot of work.  No two people are ever going to agree one-hundred percent on everything all the time, and even if they did, they will eventually get tired of being around someone that never really adds anything to the conversation—sometimes arguing is preferable to lock-step thinking.  The bottom line is, there is no perfect marriage.  There will be misunderstandings, quibbles, arguments, and even fights (hopefully just verbal fights), but if two people are really willing to make their marriage work, they will find solutions to their disagreements. 
The first major fight that I had with my wife, she announced that she was going home to mother.  She called her mother to say what had happened.  After she said her piece, my mother-in-law said hers.  To make a long story short, my wife ended up hanging up the phone and apologizing to me.  Her mother realized that what we were so upset about wasn’t that big of a deal.  It sure seemed like it was to us, at the time.  In retrospect, I don’t even remember what it was we were arguing about.  We were indeed fortunate, and blessed, to have an objective third party to put things into perspective for us.  Too many young couples today don’t confide their problems to a third party, and a great number of pastors are grateful that they don’t.  I understand that pastors don’t really want to hear about conflicts in their congregations, but without a little perspective, many marriages end up in divorce unnecessarily.  If you are having problems with your marriage, talk to your pastor (or mother-in-law, or some other third party), and if your pastor doesn’t want to provide counseling, then find a new pastor.  Oh, and don’t get counseling from a friend—the wife’s girlfriends almost always side with the wife, the husband’s guy friends almost always side with the husband, and other people may have their own reasons for wanting to split the marriage up (for example, a guy that finds the wife attractive (or a woman attracted to the husband) may contrive to get the couple divorced just so that they can get what they want).
So, you may be asking the question, “So, should I get married?”  Well, to be perfectly honest, maybe you shouldn’t.  Apostle Paul wrote at some length in 1 Corinthians 7 about how someone whose main goal is to spread the Gospel is going to be much more effective at it if all of his (or her) attention is concentrated on spreading the Gospel.  Someone who has a family to support or look after has, at best, divided attention.  He also, though, says that, “to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and every woman have her own husband.”  (Did you notice that the terms were singular there, by the way—suggesting that he proposes that a marriage be one man and one woman?)  The thing is, and recent events should make clear, some people can handle celibacy, as long as they have a clear purpose and are dedicated to doing the work that God has for them.  Some people cannot.  Frequently, people who, at one point in their lives, felt strongly that they should live out their lives as a single person, and take a vow to that effect, but later find out that they aren’t as strong as they thought they were.  If they continue to try to live that vow, they suffer for it, and, perhaps more importantly, people around them suffer for it.  The Bible tells us that it is better not to vow than to vow and not pay, but, sometimes it’s better just to accept the fact that the vow was too ambitious, and take the hit for breaking the vow, but only as a last resort.  The bottom line is, you need to prayerfully make a decision, can you serve God as a single person, or do you need an helpmeet?  God can help you find the answer to that question.  If you legitimately need someone to help you fulfill your calling, then God will give you one; if you don’t, then you will be more effective without one.  If you try to be something that you’re not, though, you are only frustrating the grace of God.

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